A Public Service Announcement

Warning. Please be on the look-out for the person answering to this description:

Have you ever met a twenty-year-old who looks creepily like an older person (say, older than 45)? You may have bumped into what scientists call an "Age-Denying Old Person", or an ADOP for short.
I was attacked at work today by a case of nausea, caused by an ADOP. Children, beware of ADOPs reaching above their heads for items. Do NOT stand behind them, as they are likely wearing a thong. And, when I say "thong" here, I do not mean cute flip-flops. I mean, why would I be afraid and pukey over a nice pair of sandals (though open-toed shoes are not allowed in the labs at work)? I mean that Silly-String crap that people think passes for underwear. Apparently, it is acceptable to wear them high above your waist so that when your midrift is barely exposed...we are all exposed.

They are also identified by tattoos. And I don't mean tattoos like the short guy on Fantasy Island and Man With the Golden Gun. And I don't mean tattoos that you got when you were 20. I mean, grandma sitting in the chair getting one today. (Incidentally, the older, grizzled and painted gentleman providing the service is rarely an ADOP because he has probably been getting tattoos since he was 18 months old.)

I have found that most ADOPs are women, but I think that is because a male ADOP is often confused with Mid-Life Crisis Man. Mid-Life Crisis Man is nearly indistinguishable from a male ADOP in his red sports car with the slooty blonde next to him. Both are desperate to reclaim their youth. Both are old. Both hang out more with people younger than their children than with those of their own demographic. But Mid-Life Crisis Man has reached this need for youth as a result of the dissatisfaction with his current life. ADOPs tend to have been recently freed from what they perceive to be suppressive situation. Picture a freshman in college who just left strict parents in corn fields to attend a party school. This is not a wise life to lead when you are twenty...and it's even sadder and more dangerous when you have the body and responsibilities of a 50 yr.-old.
If you are considering the life of an ADOP. Please reconsider. Despite what you think it is not cool for your mom to out-drink underaged kids at parties. It is not cool for your mom to never to be home because she's out doing wild crap. Mom's that age can be cool. You have to realize that "cool" has been diluted so that it has many meanings. There are good "cools" and bad "cools".

• "Your mom is cool because she let's us smoke weed." = BAD COOL
• "Your mom is cool because she gives us our space as young adults." = GOOD COOL
• "Your mom is cool because she buys us beer." = BAD COOL
• "Your mom is cool because she gave us a ride to the mall." = GOOD COOL
• "Your mom is cool because she has a lip ring." = WEIRD COOL
• "Your mom baked you cookies? That is so cool." = GOOD COOL
• "Your mom is cool because she acts her age." = GOOD COOL, but don't expect to hear it.
• "Take a jacket it's kind of cool." = METEROLOGICALLY COOL

Are you starting to see the pattern? Dignity is also cool. Don't look to be edified by people my age. Don't take your cues from us. We're stupid. You've been alive twice as long as we have. What the hell do we know? You don't have to grow old in a boring way, wrapped in shawls, smelling like BenGay.

Take my Aunt Gail as just one example of one of the cool people in my family. (Sorry mom, I'm your son, you will never be the "coolest"...that can never happen, by definition.) She acts young, but you won't find her at the disco or roller rink or wherever you kids hang out these days. You won't find alcohol at her place. She's just a lively person who has lots of energy and is fun to be around. That's how people in my family just are.
I'm 27 years-old. I'm far from the picture of cool. Just ask my wife. But I'm less removed from cool than anyone born before 1970, so all you all should listen to ME on this one...