Emeril is the worst thing on the Food Network

Now. I know this is going to strike you as an obscure complaint, but you know that I'm not a big "follow the crowd" kind of guy (...he wrote on his blog...) so I don't see why I should complain about something that everyone else does.

For those of you who watch the Food Network, have seen a toothpaste commercial recently, or was watching NBC one day in the Fall of 2001, you might know the chef Emeril. Now I know a few of you might be saying, "OH! I love that guy. He's so funny and a lot of fun. And his show is a blast!" Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but....YOU'RE WRONG! Emeril is a tool. And I don't mean a wrench or a hammer or other resource used in the production of useful material... No. I mean a waster of lives. "His show is like totally unique! I'm never bored." It is unique. It's the one that has the least to do with decent cooking or even FOOD!

I met Emeril once and I took a picture of him. It came out really well. He was talking to a friend of mine when I took it and, well, here it is:

Now, I know a few of you science and photography and AV club geeks are going to say, "This is obviously doctored, how come you can see the words?" Folks, I swear, we were standing in the Green Room backstage before my appearance on SNL a few months ago and in he walks. Everything the dude said appeared over his left shoulder like that. He said it was a nervous tic, but I wasn't sure.

Anyway. Emeril's cooking show is not a good show.

Point 1 -- Note his reliance on catch phrases. And when I say phrases, I mean, of course, his utter dependence on a single word to extend his limp career. "BAM!" His cooking startles me, and I am not to be startled when I am in the kitchen holding sharp knives. You don't see Alton Brown or Julia Child yelling "FISH WHISKERS!" everytime they add some nutmeg to their wilted spinach. (PS--Food does not get "happy" when exposed to garlic, pork fat, or alcoholic beverages. It is food. It is dead. It's not happy. It's angry. It is dead.)

Point 2 -- Who has a freaking band on their cooking show?! Jay Leno has a band, so does Letterman and Conan, but should a cooking show? If you have a cooking show, then the star should be the food and the cook. In my opinion, if you need Doc Gibbs and the Emeril Live band to liven things up, then maybe you should scream BAM a little louder to wake everyone up.

Point 3 -- Nobody owns lemon liqueur. Everytime I've watched Emeril his recipes all contain at least one extremely obscure food product that no one can find. "For this lovely and simple vinagrette you'll need eye of newt, almond vinegar, whale oil, a leaf from the tallest tree in Lebanon, and powdered unicorn horn." It sounds more like the witch scene from Macbeth than a legitimate cooking show. I think that the reason behind this is so that no one actually tries the recipes. I've priced some of these expensive oils and ingredients at $50 an oz. or more! Anyone rich enough to buy this stuff pays someone else to make their food for them.

Point 4 -- Legitimate cooking show do not get a spin-off sitcom series. This short-lived homage to the phrase "What were we thinking?!" aired a few years ago and starred Emeril, Sherri 'What Am I Doing Here' Shepherd, and Lisa 'My Agent is SO Fired' Walter. I am not a TV executive, and I have not been trained in the subtleties of media marketing and production. But, I'm pretty sure that a developmentally disabled monkey could have predicted the fate of this one. I've included the picture (which was taken about 30 seconds before the show was cancelled) to the right of this paragraph just to give you an idea of the actors charged with the task of propping Emeril up.

Anyway, well, that's my ranting for today. I'm sure Emeril is a wonderful chef in a restaurant and I would never poo-poo an offer to have someone buy me dinner there, but the show is lacking in the dignity and focus that I expect from a well-run cooking show. (Incidentally, if you are wondering what the coolest show on Food Network is...check out 'Good Eats' at 7pm weekdays!)

PS--This is the last thing, I swear. If you want to post a comment to any of my blogs now, you will have to type some word that pops up. I had to turn that feature on, so that I could weed out the blog spam...that's right you read correctly, no need to check your prescription, I wrote "BLOG SPAM". Someone decided to hit me up for money for the hurricane victims, but first tried to butter me up by writing how "interesting" and "unique" my blog was and that he had definitely bookmarked it for future perusal (read "future spamming"). Yeah, like I'm the first dude with a blog. Then he wants me to send him money for the poor folks in LA and M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I. Hmmm, should I go with the reputable Red Cross, or should I give it to the fine folks at "Ray's Rescues"? Careful, folks, there's a lot of buttheads out there that would like to have your money, myself included, so don't be stupid with what God gave you...oh, and on that note, have you thanked Him for what He's given you today????