My Blog

2007-03-30T07:40:00.000-07:00

Educational Content

In my efforts to fulfill the FCC requirement for educational programming, I submit what I hope to be the first in a large number of interesting, yet entertaining, clips.

And I know you like it because the Hypnotoad told you to...

2007-03-18T20:43:00.000-07:00

Hypnotoad

Just a brief interlude from my joys of impending fatherhood to settle down to the melodious tunes of the Hypnotoad. All hail the Hypnotoad!

We're dorks.

2007-03-02T06:10:00.000-08:00

OK. So, not that we are looking to move right now. We are perfectly happy with our home for now. It's big enough for our growing family, and, for heaven's sakes, we've only been there a year.

But, on a Meijer trip the other day we stumbled across the part of town where we will want to move to when we are ready for a bigger place...

We think the subdivision is called: Middle Earth. I kind of want to live on Lorien, but the houses there looked a bit more expensive. I thought Moriah or Rivendell looked really nice, though.

I know....it's sad. We're bringing a child into the world...

What's Scarier than Scary? Me as a Father!

2006-10-22T05:47:00.000-07:00

For those of you we couldn't call AND haven't heard from someone else AND haven't seen my wife's blog...Andrea is "with child". It really hasn't hit yet, but we're really excited about the idea of having kids. Andrea is already going insane at times and is constantly hungry and pees every two hours (even through the night). We were worried about that part until we realized that she is now drinking water like there is no tomorrow.

So, two weeks ago we had an interesting two days. Andrea came out of the bathroom saying, "Dan, can you look at this for me." So I went into the bathroom and saw a taken pregnancy test. Now, in the Marlow home this has not been unusual for a few months now. If Andrea is 30 seconds late, she's taken a test. This time was different, though, because she wasn't sure if it was positive. Let me help you out for any of you planning to use home tests in the future. The instructions say "99.9% accurate" and "easy to read double line system with control", but for us it wasn't easy, though apparently accurate. Let me take you through the process:

Not Pregnant =

Pregnant =

Now, let me illustrate what we saw on our bathroom counter:

For those of you thinking, "Wow, that's exactly like 'not pregnant'." Take another look. If your monitor is good enough you will see what I am talking about. Andrea and I spent about 10 minutes staring at this thing before we realized how close our faces were to a stick that she had just peed on. (Also note, cheap pregnancy tests are cheap because the instructions are all in Spanish and there's no cap to cover what I affectionately call the pee wick.)

Well, Dan was off to Meijer to pick up some more pregnancy tests (with instructions in English AND Spanish AND pee wick covers) much like I had done many times the past few months. While I was there I picked up some of that Crest no-burning mouth rinse. It totally doesn't burn and it leaves my mouth feeling cool and refreshed.

The next morning brought that magical fluid known as "first morning's urine", which apparently has the most pregnancy hormone in it. I was greeted with the following sight:

This told us three things:
1.) Spanish pregnancy tests are as good as the expensive ones
2.) Our pregnancy hopes were still alive
3.) I really needed to clean our bathroom countertops

Well, to cut the story short: Any line at all means you're pregnant. The doctor told her the next day and her OB accidentally confirmed it last week. But I could have confirmed it without pee. Andrea's been undergoing some obvious changes (obvious to her husband). Let me illustrate:

Before
- Andrea eats most of the food on her plate
- Andrea rarely finishes her milk
- Andrea sleeps through the night
- Andrea only cries or panics for a reason

After
- Andrea eats 2 or 3 helpings of food per sitting
- Andrea drinks 2 glasses of milk with dinner and one right before bed
- Andrea pees like it's going out of style, including at least twice per night
- Andrea cries and panics for no reason

Ahh well. It promises to be an interesting nine months. I hope to keep you all up-to-date.

Brothers! Bar-be-que!

2006-08-01T18:34:00.000-07:00

So my brother is now a New Yorker. For those who do not know it yet, Pedro the Lion is a big man in the Big Apple. Life must be boring in Gotham because he started a blog, which judging from the first post is going to be focussing on the richness of the human spirit...or something like that. Check it out at:

http://petemarlowsblog.blogspot.com/

(He's updated it now...to http://petesblog83.blogspot.com/)

I dare you....

PS: Since I haven't posted in a while (I've been busy, so sue me) I brought you a treat to make it up to you. I joined the You Tube family and so have some of you. Please enjoy the following videos from my life:

Jay Piggott IS "The Running Man"

Big Pine Lodge Squirrel

Doggie Paddle

Peter and Megan Serenade us with Christmas Carols

X-MEN

2006-06-01T14:00:00.000-07:00

Andrea and I spent last Friday celebrating our "Big 0-3", our third anniversary. Because my wife is the coolest woman ever, we went to see X-Men 3. (Her idea, I swear.) It was quite a good one. Not quite as good as the other ones, but certainly good enough to stand next to them.

Throughout the movie, the were referencing some form of mutant quantification and classification, like, "No one here is above a class 3 mutant" or "She's the first class 5 mutant I've come into contact with." So, mutants apparently have a caste system of their own. It got me thinking about all the lowly class 1 mutants with powers that aren't as terrifying or...well...immune to mockery. I think I've come up with some of them for you, as well as an artist's rendering of them using their mutant powers to defeat evil (or in some cases, "annoy" evil until help arrives). Andy, feel free to submit my masterful MS Paint drawings as a portfolio for entrance into your school. On second thought, I clearly do not require further training.

Jean-Pierre Poissant (Mutant name: Chef)
Following in the same vein as dangerous mutants who can manipulate thoughts of others, Chef discovered as an early age that he could manipulate the tastes of others. While making his mother breakfast in bed, he burned the crepes, spilled salt in the orange juice, and ran out of wine so he resorted to mixing wine vinegar with sugar. After seeing the food, his mother was hesitant to taste the chunky OJ and cajun crepes, but, being a great mom, tasted it anyway. To her surprise they were the best things she had ever tasted. Jean-Pierre's mutant powers had manipulated her taste buds to taste only good things.

Jackson C. Turtel (Mutant name: Turtle)
One morning in seventh grade the wildly unpopular (and ironically named) Jack Turtel was acosted by multiple bullies in the hallway. It was tradition for these young men to daily pummel Jack to work out their issues of sexual confusion and parental neglect. It was quickly apparent to them that today was different. Stepping back, the terrified teens realized that Jack had lost his head, arms and legs. They ran away, fearing the obvious repercussions for accidentally drawing and quartering a fellow classmate on school property. Little did they know that Jack, out of fear had inadvertantly discovered that he could retract his extremities into his torso. Later that day at track tryouts he would discover his other power of losing races.

Heather Atkins (Mutant name: Pastanator)
[inspired by Dane Cook]
Daughter of the famed diet guru Dr. Atkins was sick of eating bacon, steak, and eggs. One day after school she noticed weird soft growths on the tips of her fingers. It came off rather easily and smelled of carbohydrates, so she tasted it. It turned out to be spaghetti. This mutant occurring phenomenon kept her well fed in trials and famine, as she was soon ostrasized by her protein-conscious family. With training, she was able to fire strands of pasta from her fingers, all while speaking her catch-phrase "You're very rude, enjoy your spaghetti."

Jennifer Meade (Mutant name: Teacher's Pet)
[actually in the movie]
This mutant upset her teachers in middle school when she never came to class prepared with a writing utensil. This mood turned to fear when she was still able to take perfect notes by passing her hand over the paper. Unfortunately for Jennifer, she was still a poor student, as she refused to study the notes that she took. Named Teacher's Pet by fellow students who noticed that she spent a great deal of time talking up her astounding ability to Professor Xavier. The name stuck, but she is not often allowed to go on regular X-Men missions, as...well...the power is kind of lame.

??? (Mutant name: That Jerk Who Keeps Erasing My Stuff)
The most mysterious and least liked X-Man. One day while responding to a disturbance at a local Best Buy, the X-Men broke up a mob ready to lynch a huddling mutant in the fetal position (incidentally, his only defence mechanism). It turns out, in his idea of a prank he had walked into the store and used his mutant power to erase every form of media in the store. Books, tapes, DVDs, CDs, ROM chips, nothing is safe from his mysterious Mu rays. Ergo (concordantly, vivra sa vie) nothing is safe from his lame, childish behavior. No one can be certain, but his power seems to be limited to erasure of any form of recorded media used to transfer information.

Raymond Charles Adler (Mutant name: Universal Remote)
[actually in the movie]
Losing the remote control between the couch cushions is no problem when you are friends with the insomniac boy, known by those closest to him as "Remote". He can operate any VCR, DVD player, TV, stereo, receiver, or laser disc player controlled normally by an infrared remote control device. If you come across any device he cannot control, don't worry. All you have to do is hold the existing remote up to his eyes and push every button in succession. After 30 seconds, you can throw your old remote away and use your newly programmed Raymond instead.

Lucas Warmbier (Mutant name: Luke Warm)
As some mutants can manipulate fire or turn anything to ice. Lucas' power controls temperature, though not in an extreme manner. He can change tea that's too hot to tea that is tepid and gross. But not back again. Too cold in the room? Not with Lucas, who can quickly alter the temperature to a comfortable 72 degrees. Like your sauna at 170 degrees? Don't invite Lucas for a steam. Soon it will be two naked guys sitting in a tiled room, feeling a little chilled and exposed.

"It might be feasible in a fortnight"

2006-05-23T14:50:00.000-07:00

Ok. So I guess I'll join the club (a few weeks late) and talk a bit about home schooling. Not that anyone really cares about what I have to say, but rather...I'm bored babysitting at work and can't watch a movie because that would be too obvious in the lab. (It looks more like work when you are typing at the computer than laughing hysterically in your chair.)

Like most things in this world my views on home schooling have been shaped in part by the Simpsons. Remember that episode where the teachers went on strike and super-intelligent cyborgs hadn't been invented yet? Bart was home schooled (why wasn't Lisa?) and Milhouse had a British-accented tutor. (NOT a Tudor...that's something different.) In Thrillhouse's case, home schooling signaled a veritable educational boom. He spent his outdoor time immersing himself in reading about the Teapot Dome Scandal (which rocked the presidency of the esteemed Warren G. Harding) and speaking in multi-syllable words. I suspect the positive aspects of Poindexter's change were more a result of separation from Bart, than from the influence of the home on his studies.

Bart underwent a more behavioral change. With no one to show off to, Bart's behavior seemed to degenerate from acting out in traditional ways (painting "El Barto" on the school walls) to less textbook examples (flying a kite at night).

This episode taught me one valuable thing that applies to home schooling (as well as the rest of the parenting life): It totally depends on the kid and the teacher. A tutor and a relatively calm boy results in a successful learning experience (though often at the expense of more "childlike" endeavours, ie-recess). A stay-at-home mom with a high school diploma and a problem child is not going to work out so good. I have cousins who are home schooled and have developed fine. I have seen well-behaved children at youth group home schooled to the point where they can barely spell their name, read a book, add two numbers. But, MAN! Can they tell you Bible stories!

I know what Andrea and I plan to do with our children (Stevie Ray and Bettie Lou), but we live in the Utica School District, which graudates almost 93% of its students, so we don't have to worry about local quality of education. As far as issues of worldly influences on our children, I feel comfortable knowing that if I can raise my child to learn how to pick appropriate peer groups and remain constantly involved in their lives, bring them to church, etc., then together we can use the Word to "extinguish the flaming arrows of the evil one."

That is certainly not to say that those who home school are weenies and have weak faith. Let me say it again: Certainly not. Look at how well Bart and Milhouse do when Springfield Elementary is operating on all cylinders. Bart could be helped and Milhouse can find balance between school and being a kid, and it doesn't look like Skinner is going to help. I guess what it comes down to is this: Who knows the kids best? Their parents. If you want me to tell you which way to go on this issue, I can't. Mostly because I haven't taken enough interest in your kid to pay attention to what educational issues they might have. I haven't taken enough interest in you to figure out if you are suited to developing a satisfactory home school cirriculum.

Sorry.

Travel

2006-05-08T13:33:00.000-07:00

Well, folks, I got back on Friday from my very first business trip. Greetings to you all from Aberdeen, Maryland, and the good folks at the Aberdeen Proving Grounds. I just did my expense report, and I am proud to say that I spent $1500 of the company's money and two and a half days worth of labor for 20 solid minutes of "real, actual work" (see Office Space). I can't really post on the web why it took me that long to do 20 minutes of work, except to say that I really wanted to smack a Nowegian dude in the jaw (or the gut).

Though the trip lasted a day longer than it should have, and being away from Andrea really sucked, it was a neat adventure. Maryland is really pretty this time of year. The lay of the land is a lot different (hilly) and much closer to the ocean than Michigan (thank you, Captain Geography!).

Just a few notes for your next visit to Aberdeen:
1.) When someone offers you a dip, smiling and shaking your head 'no', is sometimes not enough.
2.) Taking a two hour nap in a tank is not as frowned upon as you may think
3.) When the guy that looks and talks like someone from King of the Hill starts mentioning something about a Hemi, DO NOT politely smile and nod your head, because you will probably be there for a while listening if you do.
4.) When the artillery test fire begins two miles away do not cover your head and appear startled. It is a common thing at APG and you will look like a bit of a tool (They call it a "Proving" ground because they are "proving" that the army can make loud noises).
5.) Rental agencies have contracts with all the gas companies so that there will not be a single place to fill up your rental car within a 20-mile radius of the place where you have to turn it in.
6.) Old men with personalized driving gloves are NOT ideal shuttle bus drivers
7.) If your waitress laughs at you when you order, do not take it personally. It probably means that she doesn't speak English very well and doesn't know what you are saying.
8.) It is customary while on a military base to mow the lawn with a rifle slung over your shoulder
9.) Staying up late to watch the original Highlander movie is ALWAYS a good choice
10.) To quote Frau Farbissina from Austin Powers: The DaVinci Code is based on "Lies all LIES!!!"

"Illegal" Means You're Breaking the Law

2006-05-01T05:54:00.000-07:00

Can someone help me out with the immigration protests going on today? I'm having difficulty understanding.
As I understand it, many of the immigrant workers in America are staging an economic boycott by not going to work and not buying anything. In this, they hope to prove to the American government the economic importance of immigrants to help influence them to grant undocumented workers citizenship or at least the right to continue working here.

What I don't understand is this: If a large group of legal and some illegal immigrants boycott and demonstrate, and it impacts the economy greatly, doesn't that just prove that legal immigrants have a great impact on our economy? If so, then let me be the first to say, "DUH!" As the grandson of immigrants and someone who's studied immigration history in America, I can say that it is fairly obvious (and I don't think that I am some keeper of a secret knowledge) that immigrants are, in fact, a source of life to our national identity.

We cannot be a "melting pot", a name which most of us are proud to wear, without a fresh infusion of exotic culture. God gave each individual unique gifts. He also gave each nation and each culture unique gifts as well. By allowing these cultures to come to work together in America makes us stronger, and as time goes by and subsequent generations lose that cultural identity that their ancestors brought, it becomes necessary to reinfuse the pot with fresh people to retrain their cousins in what made them unique and so valuable.
Every article I have read on this topic is beating a straw man. "Immigrants are good." Good job, Sherlock. Did you figure that one out by yourself? I have never heard it claimed that we should enforce new laws that closes our borders and kicks out all immigrants. The only policies I have heard about are those that deal with illegal immigrants. Those that have not followed the proper channels to enter this country. Those that do not pay taxes to support their host government's services which they partake. Those who make it harder for legal low-wage workers to earn decent, liveable wages.

The fact that an illegal immigrant has a big influence on our economy is irrelevant. That's like saying that downloading pirated movies off the internet greatly increases your entertainment level, so we should legalize it. Bottom line for Dan: I don't know exactly what should be done about the situation. The Bible says we are to treat all aliens and foreigners in our country with kindness. "Do not mistreat an alien or oppress him, for you were aliens in Egypt." Exodus 22:21. But, being an alien amongst God's people didn't let them off the hook for obeying His law. "Any Israelite or any alien living among them who eats any blood--I will set my face against that person who eats blood and will cut him off from his people." Leviticus 17:10. "But you must keep my decrees and my laws. The native-born and the aliens living among you must not do any of these detestable things." Leviticus 18:26. And the list goes on. To me, it sounds like we should treat all immigrants with the same expectations that we have for each other, with kindness. Why should we cut some of them a break when so many of them have followed the expectations of the laws of America?

Use it. That's what it's there for!

2006-04-24T07:26:00.000-07:00

Went to church yesterday. I highly recommend it for those of you who are not in the weekly habit of worshipping the one true God. The older I become, the more important it has become to my life. I can honestly say that joining with a community of believers to worship God has become a vital part of my life. Unfortunately, the past month has been quite difficult (though not impossible), and it's not because of a decline in the quality of preaching or worship (though, if I have to listen to another Spanish or African song to highlight the multi-ethnicity of God, I'm going to puke. I'm starting to think that only Spanish-speaking or members of the Zulu nation are writing songs to praise God. Let's mix it up a little, folks. If there are almost 1000 languages on this earth that have the printed Scripture, then let's hear THEIR response to the saving grace of Christ Jesus.)

People, I know for a fact that Knox Church has a nursery and children's Sunday School. I've seen it. My friend works there. They're remodeling it. There have been no reports of epidemic or of infant deaths there in, well...a year and a half (we weren't there before then, so I can't speak to it). So, PLEASE, take your infant or small child (who clearly wants that pen, so either give it to him or take him out into the narthex) there.

Three weeks ago: Baptism week. The babies were being fussy. I'll cut them slack because it's baptism Sunday and they were just up front, so I can understand seeing if they'll settle during the service just this once. Just after starting the sermon, our pastor had to ask them to take the kids to the nursery because they were distracting him.

Easter Sunday: All the Easter/Christmas Eve crowd was there in force. So, were their offspring. I pray that God uses this early exposure to the Church in His favor. One in particular sat two rows behind us. Pop quiz, everyone: During a sermon do you occupy your infant with A.) a noisy toy such as bongo drums or a rattle or B.) some form of silent toy? If you picked A, then you were sitting behind me on Easter. (I choose secret option C.) my child is in the nursery, but you already knew that.)

Yesterday: This may be the most annoying example of in-service distraction there. A young child capable of (loud) speech and temper tantrums. Why would you bring this child to an adult worship service and them hand them pen and paper? It's good that the child is asking questions about what's going on. That curosity and receptiveness to spritual matters is promising and exciting...but can their exposure to such things wait until they understand to save the questions for later or the difference between outdoor, indoor, and whisper voices? For those of you who grew up in the Church: Did you ever go to the adult service as a well-behaved child? I went and it was not easy to maintain my saintly behavior, let me tell you. The sermon was boring. It was about lame things like salvation, grace, and the application of Scripture to your life. There was NOTHING at all about Transformers (about how they are more than meets the eye), Blades of Steel, or G.I. Joe (about how he was a real American hero)! Here's hint to all those parents: Your kids do not want to be there. It's boring. Let them go to Sunday school where they can play with other kids and learn about Jesus and Zaccheus (about how he was a wee-little man).

Normally, I wouldn't be so upset about allowing children into a worship service. We are not exclusionists. I'm actually not that upset about being distracted from the main point of the reading of Scriptures if it's from a child asking about things like "Why did Jesus die on the cross?" or "Does God love me?" But I do have a problem missing the conclusion of a guest speaker's sermon because some bratty kid loudly requested his mom to return to him the paper that he had been diligently ripping into atomic dust for the past 20 minutes.

Why Should We Bother?

2006-03-28T15:34:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I get torn. Babies die by the thousands each day. Homosexual marriage legalized. Legalization of drugs. All sorts of assaults on what I believe is right and against what the Bible claims as the standard of good. Sometimes I think I should just put my anger away and retreat into the Church.

Sometimes, as a Christian I get the idea that this world just doesn't want to behave as a Christian should. It sounds like a simple, "duh" , statement, but isn't that what we are trying to do when we protest or attempt to change the state of the world politically? Our president is packing the Supreme Court with conservatives that claim to represent a more Biblical code. Should I care? I mean, I'm glad that there is a group of people who are in a position to align the interpretation of laws to how I read them as a Christian, but at the end of the day, the Constitution of the U.S. is just another piece of parchment with a bunch of words in fancy script. The Bible is my law. No matter how the laws of this law ebb and flow, God's laws do not change. This world is not interested in acting as if they are Children of God, part of His Church. Why are we trying to make them?

"Give to Caesar what is Caesar's and to God what is God's." (Mark 12:17)

"Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves." (Romans 13:1-2)

Sometimes I think about these verses when I think about politics. Christ himself appeared to not give a rat's behind about politics of the day. When tempted to make a statement about the possibility of disobeying the Roman Empire, he cleverly sidestepped the issue. His disciples and followers were convinced by current interpretation of prophecy that Christ would come to remove the Jews from the oppression of the Romans. Christ did no such thing, rather something greater, removing all his children from the oppression of sin. Paul also made statements that our respect of current government reflects our respect of God's decision about where to place us politically. He even goes so far to claim that rebellion against authority is rebellion against God.

Obviously this statement cannot be read to mean that open rebellion against an ungodly act demanded by the government is wrong. Paul himself and other apostles openly disobeyed commands to stop preaching the Gospel...often to their demise. But these men humbled themselves to the Word of God, thinking nothing of themselves by refusing to defend themselves, rather defending only the Good News of Christ. Aren't we to remain "in the world but not of it"?

"If any of you has a dispute with another, dare he take it before the ungodly for judgment instead of before the saints? Do you not know that the saints will judge the world? And if you are to judge the world, are you not competent to judge trivial cases? Do you not know that we will judge angels? How much more the things of this life! Therefore, if you have disputes about such matters, appoint as judges even men of little account in the church! I say this to shame you. Is it possible that there is nobody among you wise enough to judge a dispute between believers? But instead, one brother goes to law against another—and this in front of unbelievers!" (I Corinthians 6:1-6)

Why do we struggle to create a world of wannabes redeemed folks and leave a pre-made collection of wannabe redeemed folks floundering? The Church is imperfect. The Church is flawed. But the Church is where we should be focussing our energies. Why do we expect the ungodly to champion that which God holds dear? Why are we confused when the World seems to be going down the crapper? That's where it's supposed to go. Our job is to invest in the Bride of Christ to make it attractive to those in the world whom God calls out of darkness, those who wake up one day and see the world in God's light for what it really is.

These are just some views that I think about often. Please don't think that I interpret the Word to say that we should withdraw from public service. Or that we should live at our churches and never talk to anyone else. This the opposite side of the pendulum. Moderation is certainly the key here. The world is in desperate need of the Gospel. We are commanded to take it there. But we must beware getting caught up in trying to change the world with arguments and indignation. The only one who will fix the world is Christ.

A Response

2006-03-23T08:03:00.000-08:00

For those of you who don't read my blogs often, I wrote an entry last fall regarding a Biblical response to homosexuality. Basically, my point was not to call all believers in Christ to oppress homosexuals, but rather to remind ourselves that homosexual or not, sin rules this world and that you were "born sinful". We were just born that way and that being born gay is no different that being born a lustful man. We are still due God's holy wrath as a result. An anonymous responder to that entry felt that I was not reflecting God's view towards sin and challenged my statements in many ways. I would like the opportunity to respond to the statements made...maybe even start a dialogue where the Gospel can be presented in a loving way. I will not be defending personal statements made against myself, for in the words of Paul in II Corinthians, we carry treasures in earthen vessels. The Gospel of Christ is a valuable treasure carried in disposable, ugly, unimportant jars...us. It is the Gospel that is glorious, so that is what I will respond to.

"I wonder what makes you think that gay people are wrong for being gay."
The Bible. Liars are wrong for lying. Adulterers are wrong for lusting after women. I am wrong when I give money to Katrina victims so I can feel good about it (my giving is based on pride, NOT love). All men are wrong when they sin. That's what sin means. Homosexuality is a sin based on the verses (not exhaustive):

I Corinthians 6:9-10: "Do you not know that the wicked will not inherity the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slnderers nor swindlers will inherit the kindgom of God."
Romans 1:27: "In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion."

"For every verse from scripture you quote you can almost always find one that challenges it. Everyone's intrepretation of the Bible is different."
I have often heard this statement, but never seen it in action. For being over 1000 pages long, the Bible's record of ZERO proven contradictions is pretty good. Especially when you consider that it was written over a period of a few thousand years by dozens of people. If you have ever hear a contradictory statement regarding the verses that claim homosexuality as an example of sin, please tell me. I need to know this so I can speak with better wisdom on the Bible. Each man comes to the Bible with their own experiences and comes away from Scripture with different applications of the wisdom contained in it...however, for those who allow God to reveal Scripture to them, then they will be shown the unchanging Truth that is contained within. Claiming that people interpret Scripture differently implies that the Bible can say two different things to two people regarding "essential doctrine". The Bible does not say "homosexuals will NOT inherit the kingdom of heaven" and "homosexuals WILL inherit the kingdom of heaven" at the same time. Whether the earth was created in 7 24-hour periods or whether a "day" is a figurative term in Genesis can be interpreted differently by two people...and, frankly, is not that important to my worldview. What both of those people should be able to agree on is the important part: That in the beginning, GOD created the universe.

"The important thing ,I believe, is constantly praying and asking the Lord to guide you.In the end God knows what's in your heart and what your intentions are."
So true. God is, in fact, the only one who knows my heart and what my intentions really are. Actually, that's quite awe-inspiring to me. I can lie to myself, but not Him. The important thing, according to Christ himself, is to make him LORD of your life and to confess your sins and accept his gift of redemption from sin.

"And on that note I'll end it hear by saying how about directing all the time and wonderful writing skills to speaking out against the abuse and neglect of children, the spread of STDs,the homeless.How about getting out in the community and helping those in need rather than setting behind a computer screen writing articles about something you have no idea about.How many gay friends do you have of know?Have you taken the time to get to know them I mean really just listen to them without passing judgement. Who are you to judge other people? And when your done reading this try to answer the questions I've asked you unbiasly."
You are so sweet to complement my skills as a writer, but they are certainly lacking if you got this angry about what I wrote. My essay was not so much directed at homosexuals, but towards straight believers to challenge a view that is often perpetuated in Christian culture. We are nothing to judge people. We have no right to judge them. I am a sinner redeemed who started out no better than any other man. I leave the judging to God and His Word. Christ describes himself as the Light of the World and that no man can hide in the light. I am not the Light of the World. If any person's life is opened up to the Light so that their sin is made apparent to them...it was certainly not me who did it. It was the Light of Christ.

Guess who?

2006-02-16T15:29:00.000-08:00

OK. Here's a trivia for some of you. Actually it's more like that segment on Conan O'Brien, "Body Doubles".

Here it is. This is a picture of a pretty good band from Wales called Stereophonics. I urge you to check them out, because they are pretty good. Similar to Muse, but a little cleaner sound and the lead singers voice is a little grittier (check out the song Dakota). But anyway, guess who the guy in the middle reminds me of....

GIVE UP?!?!

If you said Josh Clayton, then you'd be right on the

It's actually spooky. Just saw that and thought that such a similarity needed to be documented for eternity on the Internet, where in one million years the conquering robots will finally decipher our primitive form of communication and attempt to understand the lives of these creatures called "humans". This ought to throw a wrench in their plans.

My Dad Rules

2006-02-10T16:32:00.000-08:00

Just a quick one. My dad sent me this link because he knows just how lame I think all the fuss about gay cowboys is. He also knows that I happen to enjoy the acting of Christopher Lloyd. I hope you like it too.

Just remember, "You.....are my density."

http://www.youtube.com/?v=zfODSPIYwpQ

Bored

2006-01-31T15:10:00.000-08:00

I'm bored.

Man, am I bored.

I could be at home with my wife and my mouse. But NO! I'm stuck at work. You know life is bad when even Bejeweled has lost its luster of life.

I know, I know. It's been approximately 15 billion days since my last entry. Actually, I'm pretty much certain that those who read my blog have lost all interest in it and will never read it again, having lost all hope in my ever posting again. Well, to those of you reading this who demand an explanation of my absence....you get....NOTHING! Forget you. I was busy and didn't want to update my blog. You need new lives if your life circles the toilet bowl that much that you crave your weekly dosage of 30cc's of Dan. I know it's like heroine (In fact, my nickname in high school was "Smack") but you have to kick the habit. Maybe my blogs are too much for the world to take.

Some of you may have noticed in an earlier paragraph that I mentioned that I lived with:
1.) A beatiful wife, named Andrea
2.) A small field mouse named Annoying Little Festering Rodent Bastard (I majored in Mouse in college and I overheard the pest say, "My name is Annoying Little Festering Rodent Bastard" in mousese. It was either that or, "The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plains." I couldn't quite make it out. It was using a very unusual dialect.)
It's true, we have a mouse in our house. (And if you say "Hey that rhymes" to me, I will stab you in the jaw. There is nothing poetic about mice.) It's actually a long story, so if you want the works, give us a holler and I'll give you the scoop. The latest chapter starts with, "So we called an exterminator"and ends with, "And we haven't seen it since." Please don't think we are filthy people. The mouse has been living in extreme comfort and cleanliness since it arrived...two points which no doubt attracted it to our humble abode. That plus it didn't smell like crazy food in our place.

Speaking of mice, did I mention that we're looking for a house. Preferrably one WITHOUT rodents. We met a woman from church who helps out with the youth, named Judy. It's really handy because she doubles as a very good realtor. It's like her alter-ego. Anyway, we've been looking in the St. Clair Shores area, but are branching out into the nicer parts of Clinton Township and maybe Sterling Heights. We don't know, we're still looking. We've had no shortage of houses to look at. By the way, if you're selling your house and showing it to buyers, here's some things to keep in mind:
1.) Inform grandma in her back bedroom apartment that she may need to seek other forms of shelter soon
2.) Make sure that you take the Speed Racer bed sheets OFF the living room couch
3.) If you're going to be present in the house while people are looking at it, please (and I cannot stress this enough) wear a shirt
4.) Try your best to fix that sagging ceiling in the kitchen
5.) Don't advertise the half-bath-half-kitchen as a selling point
6.) Try to update your Miami Vice theme you have going on with your furniture
7.) Ask your neighbors to take their van off the blocks in the front yard and put it in some temporary storage
8.) Don't forget to have the electricity turned on when people go through the house
9.) If you insist on removing the wallpaper and taking it with you when you move, please take your nasty rank funk with you too
10.) If you are scared to go down into that molester hideout you call a basement...imagine how the buyer feels.
Peter's girlfriend's folks, the McGarnagle's (actually it's McCarthy, but I think McGarnagle sounds funnier), offered us their place in Northville for a reduced price...Peter, tell them that if they can come down $300,000, then count us in!!

Well, that's pretty much it in my life. Christmas was good. Caleb (my cousin) got engaged to Robin (we're all very happy about that, so far, everyone's pleased with the mate selections of the children in our family so far). I'm trying my hand at basketball at the church twice a week. I haven't touched a ball since junior high, but it turns out, I'm not too bad...but the high schooler's have nicknamed me "Toothfairy".

I don't know why. Maybe if you gave the toothfairy a basketball, added some leg hair to make it a dude, clean the hair up, add some bullet holes for where the defenders tried to take me down, gave me some better shoes, and added a realistic severed arm of the guy that was holding me down as I went for a slam...

Yeah...That's a bit more like it...

On "Being Born That Way"

2005-10-11T09:34:00.000-07:00

So, the other day, I was in an online discussion about a girl who was expelled from a Christian school because her parents were lesbians. The conversation inevitably turned to whether it's OK to be gay and how Christians are so "bigoted" towards them. Someone mentioned some kind of research showing that homosexuals have physiological differences from heterosexuals, leading many to believe that most are "born gay". I was about to offer the classic Christian gay block, "You're not born gay, it's a choice" when I stopped and thought about the first part. How do I know that people aren't born gay? In fact, I submit that it should not surprise Christians in the least to discover that many people are born with a predisposition to homosexuality. This thinking fits in perfectly with our view of humanity. After all, aren't all people born with a predisposition to sin? I may not have the urge to be gay, but I do have the urge to be hateful and sefish. Most men that I've talked to struggle with sexual purity, almost as if we were born unfaithful.

The comment "We're just born that way" either implies or leads into "Why should I be something that I'm not?" This line of reasoning tends to detract attention from the central issue that Christians should focus on, but rather should provide us with a perfect opportunity to describe what Paul says in Galatians 5:16-17--

So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want.

Basically, God usually demands the opposite what is in you nature to want to do. We are incapable of doing good. We are dead in our sin. Praise be to the grace of God that He has seen fit to choose some to be given His Spirit so that He can work through us a fighting chance at pleasing God. This issue really comes down to this: Yes, we were all born with desires in our very flesh to behave in certain ways. God has laid down in Scripture what behavior He expects from us. It is the exact opposite direction from where our desires pull us. Only through the power of the Cross and the Holy Spirit can we hope to defeat these desires (smart theologians call this "mortification"). Claiming that you were "born that way" is just a statement saying "I am pleased with my current state", which Christians claim, with Scripture's backing, to be dead in your sin, far from God.

Rather than fighting the claim of "gay from birth", let's (as Christians) do two things:

Remember that we were all sinners from birth and that we still struggle daily with the remnants of that nature. We will be this way until we are glorified in heaven.
Attack the real issue of their lack of realization of their current state with Christ. Tell them that Christ loves them and wants them to claim Him as their Lord and Savior right now. The Spirit with work within them later to convict them of their sin, just as He convicts us of ours on a daily basis (see my first point just above).

PS--Thanks to everyone for sending in their Friends episode names and for proving that my life is way funnier than any sitcom. Keep sending them in, there are a bunch more from when you last checked...Love you all.

So No One Told You Life Was Going to Be This Waaayyy. CLAP!CLAP!CLAP!CLAP!

2005-10-11T08:52:00.000-07:00

OK. So, Andrea and I just finished watching Season 1 of Friends on DVD. (She now has seasons 1 and 6...Christmas is coming...) For those of you who don't know this, every friends episode is named according to the following formula:

"The One WithWhere" + something that happens in the episode

Examples:

"The One With Ugly Naked Guy"

"The One Where Ross Can't Flirt"

etc.

Then I was thinking: "I like Friends. They are totally like how I am with my friends." But then I thought, "No way! That's totally wrong. We're nothing like Friends. I've never slept with anyone else. I've never had a monkey. I'm not a anal-retentive chef...and none of my friends are either." But I do remember plenty of times with my friends that make me smile and giggle a little, just like when I think of some Friends episodes.

So, in honor of my Friends, who rock harder than David Schwimmer ever can, I have come up with a few episodes that could be part of the sitcom of my life.

The One With All the Weddings
The One With the Original Pancake House
The One With the Fellowship of the Ring
The One With Amanda Swearing
The One With the 20,000-Calorie Breakfast
The One With the Two Towers
The One With the Huge Spiders in Detroit
The One With NFL Blitz
The One With the Return of the King
The One With the Saturday Morning Apartment Fire
The One With Josh's Scarf
The One With the Garbage Bag Full of Popcorn
The One With Geoff Carlson (a.k.a. G-Money)
The One With the Gold Drink
The One With Dr. Greene
The One With "ManderDan" (sent in by Amanda)
The One With Serina in the Trunk (sent in by Serina)
The One With Red Wings, Bjorn, Tricia, and Lost Chinese Food (sent in by Tricia)
The One Where Dan Gets Mono (sent in by Lisa)
The One With Gaylord (sent in by Lisa)
The One With Sonic Boom (sent in by Lisa)
The One Where Dan Says "Wiener" to Mrs. Hice (sent in by Katie)
The One With Sidney Poitier (sent in by Peter and Megan)
The One Where Peter Peed on Megan's Wall (sent in by Peter and Megan)
The One That Smells Like Kicking Ass (sent in by Peter and Megan)
The One With the Heavy Flow (sent in by Peter and Megan)
The One With Seven Rings When You Get Home Safe (sent in by Peter and Megan)
The One With Wenis McGarnagle (sent in by Peter and Megan)
The One Where Andrea Sprains Her Bionic Ankle (Again) (sent in by Peter and Megan)
The One With the Weed and the Rims (sent in by Peter and Megan)
The One With All the Voice Memos (sent in by Peter and Megan)

So, this can be a living list of memories...so, to all my Friends, send me your memories in this form and I will update the list. Let's start a great TV show on our own.

Forget George Bush. Ted Rall must hate black people.

2005-09-15T13:30:00.000-07:00

For those of you who don't read national editorials very often (if at all) Ted Rall is a syndicated liberal columnist, who I usually read when I feel I don't have enough negativity towards my personal conserative views in my life. This week's installment caught my eye with the title Charities are for Suckers. "Hmm!" I thought, "What a curious and unobvious play on words." It's not a play on words. This guy hates charity organizations from the Salvation Army to the Red Cross. Read his article. Don't take my word for it. His point is basically that charities exist so that government can get out of its perceived "duty" of taking care of everyone. (With a little bit of the now-classic mantra "the N.O. levees broke because our troops are in Iraq.")

I've been looking for a good example of a major difference between conservatives and liberals, because labeling liberals as pinko, hippie baby-killers and conservatives as Bible-thumping, gun crazy industrialists tends to just be insulting to both parties and NEVER gives the full picture. I think this is the best case I've ever seen. Teddy seems to think that the government exists to act as our rich parents. When disaster strikes, the government should give us money. When I'm out of a job and sick, the government should give me money. When I'm old, the government should give me money. In the meantime, since I am not surrounded by death, sickness, or crushing poverty...I must be rich, so I shouldn't complain about giving a ton of money to support a bloated government whose job it is to spend money. It sounds great until reality sets in. The bottom line is that no government run by people has NEVER and will NEVER operate well as a relief organization.

What does the Bible say about it? The Bible gives pretty good examples of how the early Christians behaved, "They [the fellowship of believers] devoted themselves to...expressing outrage that the Roman Empire did not provide their poor with a large enough living stipend." For those of you paying attention, the verse actually reads, "Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need." (Acts 3:45) Again in 4:34, "There wer eno needy persons among them. FOr from time to time those who owned lands or houses sold them, brought the money from the sales and put it at the apostles' feet, and it was distributed to anyone as he had need." Then also in chapter 6 where the disciples, when told of the misfortunes of some widows, said, "Oh man, we should definitely petition the government to begin a program of food distribution. After all, this is the richest civilization to date..." Ooops. Almost got you there, didn't I. Actually, they elected Church deacons to care for the needy. So you see, the Bible appears to suggest that the burden of the downtrodden does not fall to the government, rather...it is the Church's to bear.

This concept seems so obvious that even non-Christians have recognized the need for charity. While it is mostly an effort for the unsaved to feel better about themselves through altruism, it is still a nod in the direction that throughout human history, the government has never been very good at helping the downtrodden. Until a government is run, not by fallen people, but by Christ Himself, the best way to support those we have compassion for is to give to charity, to Churches, and to similar organizations.

Since a major portion of the help that the vicitims of Katrina are receiving come from charity, not political obligation, the only conclusion that I can draw is that Ted Rall does not want those victims to receive as much help as possible. Kayne West accused George Bush of racism because the federal government didn't react quickly (in his opinion) to the predominantly minority communities in Louisiana. I have to make a similar claim of racism to anyone who promotes the lessening of aide to those very same people.

What do you think?

Nobody Fear. I Am A Professional.

2005-09-10T14:00:00.000-07:00

Relax, everyone! You will be relieved to know that Dan Marlow is now certified and trained in CPR and the use of AEDs (that’s Automatic External Defibrillators, to the lay folk). That’s right, you now have ANOTHER reason to invite me to your fondue parties and roller disco nights. For, should you go into full cardiac arrest or lodge a Lego Darth Vader in your throat until you pass out, I am fully qualified to cut your clothes off and push on your sternum and breathe live-giving air down your throat…at least until the real heroes arrive.

The training didn’t take as long as I thought it would. It was pretty interesting, actually. Especially that AED stuff. For those of you who don’t know an AED is an idiot-proof version of that machine that doctors run around with in E.R., yelling “CLEAR”, and shocking some poor dude’s chest. The instructor was telling us, when you hook someone up to an AED, you have to make sure that you remove as much jewelry as you can, just rip off their necklaces and watches, etc. Then he mentioned that you have to remove a woman’s bra because the underwire will give the woman majorly severe burns. Then I turned to Anita sitting next to me and said, “Oh, crap. I’m screwed. I’ve never been able to get those things off.”
“What? Bras?” she asked. “Couldn’t you just reach underneath her back and unclip it one-handed?
“Are you serious? I’d need to flip that poor woman over onto her front and use both hands just to get that beastly contraption off her!”

Then we learned about the Heimlich Maneuver. Which is a particularly awesome thing to practice on live partners, when you get paired up with someone you don’t know very well. First of all, you are supposed to position yourself behind the choking individual with one leg in between theirs (so if they pass out, they won’t just collapse on the ground). So, picture Dan, right? Pretty much spooning with Matt, reaching around trying to find his NAVEL so he grab and hold him closer. I think the instructors were cuddling with each other, because their demonstration was a lot longer than it needed to be.

But, the best part was definitely the CPR dummy training. For some reason, in our room, all the ‘male’ dummys were strewn about the floor, plastic chests exposed, rubberized parts lifting up at the edges. But, the ‘female’ dummys had zip-up hoodies from Old Navy on covering their plastic bosoms. I guess the junior high training class had just gone through. I just thought that was interesting. Anyway, I would like to finish tonight by reprinting here (with permission) a portion of the actual transcript of my training session:

Instructor: OK, CPR training people get up! Select a training dummy. Now what is the first thing that you do when you come across an injured person? Assess the situation, evaluate the scene! Is the scene safe to proceed?
Dan: No! Oh my God! There’s human torsos strewn everywhere! Oh, it’s horribly gruesome! I really don’t think CPR is going to help these people!

The Notebook 2...Son of Spiral-Bound

2005-09-10T13:28:00.000-07:00

OK. So I’m a little less steamed now. Allow me to continue to explain why I give The Notebook two thumbs way down. But, first, let me start by chastising Jay some more:

Jay, my friend. Don’t ever tell my wife that a chick-flick is a “pretty good movie for a chick-flick” again. You see, when you do that you provide Andrea with a heapin’ helpin’ of ammunition for the next six months.

Andrea: What do you want to do tonight?
Dan: [Suggestively] What do YOU think I want to do tonight?
Andrea: [Moderately disgusted] Don’t be gross…Get off me. No, I was thinking that we could rent a movie.
Dan: Sounds great.
Andrea: How’s about we rent that Notebook movie?
Dan: No.
Andrea: [Whinily, yes, it’s a word, look it up] Why not?
Dan: What have I ever done to suggest to you that I would possibly want to subject myself to that movie?
Andrea: Jay liked it.
Dan: Jay is a woman.
Andrea: No he’s not.
Dan: She also liked Ice Castles.
Andrea: Well I’m getting it and you are going to watch it.
Dan: [Prophetically] Fine, but I guarantee that it will be lame!

Now, I am often accused of being a pessimist, someone who expects the worst out of every situation. I usually find that I prefer being correct all the time to being optimistic all the time, and I wouldn’t be so pessimistic, if I wasn’t always so RIGHT! Anyway, there are many things that I am not pessimistic about. The fact that Jesus will return. The fact that life will someday go on down South after the hurricane as it has before. That I will one day own a home. That Andrea and I will live happily ever after. These are things I am optimistically sure of…but when presented with a movie that smells lame, looks lame and has the tagline: “Behind every great love, there is a great story”, I know that I will be watching a major-league suck-fest.

First, it took me approximately 15 seconds to figure out exactly where the movie was going. (In fairness, this is about 3 times longer than it took for me to figure out in Return to Me that David Duchovny’s wife would die and give her heart to his next love…remember that Christian Slater movie with the baboon heart?) It was pretty obvious that James Garner was reading their love’s story to his senile wife, suffering from dementia (no joke here, I honestly feel sorry for people in this situation). This part of the plot is like a very non-funny 50 First Dates.

Second, I wish the writer could have come up with an original story. If you are looking for a hackneyed rehashing of the ‘classic’ rich chick falls for a poor dude during a summer love (I liked this story better when it was called Dirty Dancing) then this is your movie. Sign up for this next on Netflix if you enjoy stories about a rich girl’s struggle to decide between her true love who is poor and her fiancé who comes from her socioeconomic group (I remember when this story was called Titanic). The whole point of this movie is just to watch a stupid girl come slowly to the realization that she doesn’t know what the crap she wants and would rather destroy all her relationships than make one work and the other fail. I don’t really want to watch some other couple’s story like that.

I guess that’s what this really comes down to. I don’t need to see that. I’ve waited for a story. I’ve waited for a great love. Now I have one. Andrea is beautiful and perfect. We have a “great love”. And we now have a good story…not a “great story”, you’re not going to be able to rent that story through the mail and keep it as long as you want with no late fees. But, I like our story. If you have a train wreck of a love story like the people in the movie, that means you probably screwed up somewhere. You waited way too long, you were indecisive, you made a poor decision. That introduced more drama than is normally associated with real-life love stories. Thank heavens that those of you with “great loves” have a story that ended happily, like mine. I just don’t really want to watch such a bumpy, unnecessarily dramatic story for two hours.

Dan: Well, I guess that’s the end. Yep, here come the credits. So, what did you think?
Andrea: Eh. It was OK, I guess.
Jay: That's my line!

Not a good movie...

2005-09-09T17:31:00.000-07:00

Let me help you, Jay...The Notebook is NOT a good movie.

I had a whole diatribe written up explaining exactly WHY it was a bad waste of my sick day...but, as if to say "I hate you", this dumb blog software erased everything I had.

Now I'm pissed, and I don't want to write any more...which sucks for you, cuz that stuff was FUNNY! If you want to hear more about it call me!

Fall is coming...I can smell it

2005-09-05T11:30:00.000-07:00

When autumn comes
It doesn't ask
It just walks in where it left you last
You never know when it starts
Until there's fog inside the glass around your summer heart.

John Mayer "Something's Missing"

Emeril is the worst thing on the Food Network

2005-09-02T14:43:00.000-07:00

Now. I know this is going to strike you as an obscure complaint, but you know that I'm not a big "follow the crowd" kind of guy (...he wrote on his blog...) so I don't see why I should complain about something that everyone else does.

For those of you who watch the Food Network, have seen a toothpaste commercial recently, or was watching NBC one day in the Fall of 2001, you might know the chef Emeril. Now I know a few of you might be saying, "OH! I love that guy. He's so funny and a lot of fun. And his show is a blast!" Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but....YOU'RE WRONG! Emeril is a tool. And I don't mean a wrench or a hammer or other resource used in the production of useful material... No. I mean a waster of lives. "His show is like totally unique! I'm never bored." It is unique. It's the one that has the least to do with decent cooking or even FOOD!

I met Emeril once and I took a picture of him. It came out really well. He was talking to a friend of mine when I took it and, well, here it is:

Now, I know a few of you science and photography and AV club geeks are going to say, "This is obviously doctored, how come you can see the words?" Folks, I swear, we were standing in the Green Room backstage before my appearance on SNL a few months ago and in he walks. Everything the dude said appeared over his left shoulder like that. He said it was a nervous tic, but I wasn't sure.

Anyway. Emeril's cooking show is not a good show.

Point 1 -- Note his reliance on catch phrases. And when I say phrases, I mean, of course, his utter dependence on a single word to extend his limp career. "BAM!" His cooking startles me, and I am not to be startled when I am in the kitchen holding sharp knives. You don't see Alton Brown or Julia Child yelling "FISH WHISKERS!" everytime they add some nutmeg to their wilted spinach. (PS--Food does not get "happy" when exposed to garlic, pork fat, or alcoholic beverages. It is food. It is dead. It's not happy. It's angry. It is dead.)

Point 2 -- Who has a freaking band on their cooking show?! Jay Leno has a band, so does Letterman and Conan, but should a cooking show? If you have a cooking show, then the star should be the food and the cook. In my opinion, if you need Doc Gibbs and the Emeril Live band to liven things up, then maybe you should scream BAM a little louder to wake everyone up.

Point 3 -- Nobody owns lemon liqueur. Everytime I've watched Emeril his recipes all contain at least one extremely obscure food product that no one can find. "For this lovely and simple vinagrette you'll need eye of newt, almond vinegar, whale oil, a leaf from the tallest tree in Lebanon, and powdered unicorn horn." It sounds more like the witch scene from Macbeth than a legitimate cooking show. I think that the reason behind this is so that no one actually tries the recipes. I've priced some of these expensive oils and ingredients at $50 an oz. or more! Anyone rich enough to buy this stuff pays someone else to make their food for them.

Point 4 -- Legitimate cooking show do not get a spin-off sitcom series. This short-lived homage to the phrase "What were we thinking?!" aired a few years ago and starred Emeril, Sherri 'What Am I Doing Here' Shepherd, and Lisa 'My Agent is SO Fired' Walter. I am not a TV executive, and I have not been trained in the subtleties of media marketing and production. But, I'm pretty sure that a developmentally disabled monkey could have predicted the fate of this one. I've included the picture (which was taken about 30 seconds before the show was cancelled) to the right of this paragraph just to give you an idea of the actors charged with the task of propping Emeril up.

Anyway, well, that's my ranting for today. I'm sure Emeril is a wonderful chef in a restaurant and I would never poo-poo an offer to have someone buy me dinner there, but the show is lacking in the dignity and focus that I expect from a well-run cooking show. (Incidentally, if you are wondering what the coolest show on Food Network is...check out 'Good Eats' at 7pm weekdays!)

PS--This is the last thing, I swear. If you want to post a comment to any of my blogs now, you will have to type some word that pops up. I had to turn that feature on, so that I could weed out the blog spam...that's right you read correctly, no need to check your prescription, I wrote "BLOG SPAM". Someone decided to hit me up for money for the hurricane victims, but first tried to butter me up by writing how "interesting" and "unique" my blog was and that he had definitely bookmarked it for future perusal (read "future spamming"). Yeah, like I'm the first dude with a blog. Then he wants me to send him money for the poor folks in LA and M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I. Hmmm, should I go with the reputable Red Cross, or should I give it to the fine folks at "Ray's Rescues"? Careful, folks, there's a lot of buttheads out there that would like to have your money, myself included, so don't be stupid with what God gave you...oh, and on that note, have you thanked Him for what He's given you today????

Review: Casino Versus Japan, Whole Numbers Play the Basics

2005-09-01T20:39:00.000-07:00

Do you know what I mean when I mention the music that plays in the background of planetarium shows? OK. So, I picked up a CD the other week. Those of you who know me at all probably realize that they hate the music that I listen to. Well, this one is going down on my list of best albums I've listened to all year (including X&Y by Coldplay and the newest release by My Machine, check out the link in my links section). Seriously this album has blown my perceptions of "music". Most people would probably just call it "noise" rather than music...and I really wouldn't be upset with them. The description is not that far off.

Noise was how electronica started out with the 1956 release of "The Forbidden Planet", starring the incomparable Leslie Nielsen. The music for that film was created by an electrical engineer named Louis Barron who spent weeks creating circuits connected to speakers and recording equipment. Not a single "real" instrument was used in its production, creating a soundtrack that sounds very off-worldly and unreal. Spooky to many.

This feel has been reinvented, expanded, and personified in this album by Casino Versus Japan, a dude who probably sits in his basement with his computer and dreams. The ethereal soundscapes that he has produced take me to places that I remember from long ago...sometimes I'm not sure if I've ever really been there. Each track is laid with a beat that is interesting and unique, from every beat I've ever heard and from every other rhythm on the album. On top of that is layered soft floating melodies, sometimes so quiet that your ear must create some of the lines in your head.

Not a single word is spoken on any single track, which only allows Erik Kowalski (creator of the music) to focus on honing the harmony and tuning the layers of music. The album is like a seven course meal: Each four or five minute main track is separated from the next by very short compositions designed, I guess, to cleanse your aural pallette. I have no idea. I just really like this album.

A Public Service Announcement

2005-08-29T17:59:00.000-07:00

Warning. Please be on the look-out for the person answering to this description:

Have you ever met a twenty-year-old who looks creepily like an older person (say, older than 45)? You may have bumped into what scientists call an "Age-Denying Old Person", or an ADOP for short.
I was attacked at work today by a case of nausea, caused by an ADOP. Children, beware of ADOPs reaching above their heads for items. Do NOT stand behind them, as they are likely wearing a thong. And, when I say "thong" here, I do not mean cute flip-flops. I mean, why would I be afraid and pukey over a nice pair of sandals (though open-toed shoes are not allowed in the labs at work)? I mean that Silly-String crap that people think passes for underwear. Apparently, it is acceptable to wear them high above your waist so that when your midrift is barely exposed...we are all exposed.

They are also identified by tattoos. And I don't mean tattoos like the short guy on Fantasy Island and Man With the Golden Gun. And I don't mean tattoos that you got when you were 20. I mean, grandma sitting in the chair getting one today. (Incidentally, the older, grizzled and painted gentleman providing the service is rarely an ADOP because he has probably been getting tattoos since he was 18 months old.)

I have found that most ADOPs are women, but I think that is because a male ADOP is often confused with Mid-Life Crisis Man. Mid-Life Crisis Man is nearly indistinguishable from a male ADOP in his red sports car with the slooty blonde next to him. Both are desperate to reclaim their youth. Both are old. Both hang out more with people younger than their children than with those of their own demographic. But Mid-Life Crisis Man has reached this need for youth as a result of the dissatisfaction with his current life. ADOPs tend to have been recently freed from what they perceive to be suppressive situation. Picture a freshman in college who just left strict parents in corn fields to attend a party school. This is not a wise life to lead when you are twenty...and it's even sadder and more dangerous when you have the body and responsibilities of a 50 yr.-old.
If you are considering the life of an ADOP. Please reconsider. Despite what you think it is not cool for your mom to out-drink underaged kids at parties. It is not cool for your mom to never to be home because she's out doing wild crap. Mom's that age can be cool. You have to realize that "cool" has been diluted so that it has many meanings. There are good "cools" and bad "cools".

"Your mom is cool because she let's us smoke weed." = BAD COOL
"Your mom is cool because she gives us our space as young adults." = GOOD COOL
"Your mom is cool because she buys us beer." = BAD COOL
"Your mom is cool because she gave us a ride to the mall." = GOOD COOL
"Your mom is cool because she has a lip ring." = WEIRD COOL
"Your mom baked you cookies? That is so cool." = GOOD COOL
"Your mom is cool because she acts her age." = GOOD COOL, but don't expect to hear it.
"Take a jacket it's kind of cool." = METEROLOGICALLY COOL

Are you starting to see the pattern? Dignity is also cool. Don't look to be edified by people my age. Don't take your cues from us. We're stupid. You've been alive twice as long as we have. What the hell do we know? You don't have to grow old in a boring way, wrapped in shawls, smelling like BenGay.

Take my Aunt Gail as just one example of one of the cool people in my family. (Sorry mom, I'm your son, you will never be the "coolest"...that can never happen, by definition.) She acts young, but you won't find her at the disco or roller rink or wherever you kids hang out these days. You won't find alcohol at her place. She's just a lively person who has lots of energy and is fun to be around. That's how people in my family just are.
I'm 27 years-old. I'm far from the picture of cool. Just ask my wife. But I'm less removed from cool than anyone born before 1970, so all you all should listen to ME on this one...

Deep Lord of the Rings

2005-08-29T17:55:00.000-07:00

So, Andrea and I just finished rewatching the LOTR trilogy (extended edition, as if there were any others) for about the 400th time. I know that makes us complete geeks, but I challenge you to find any other movie or book with so much in it. It has an exciting story, character development, fantasy, strength, weakness, stuff blowing up, heads flying off, a funny-looking blonde dude saying "A diversion...", everything.
I've read all three books, the appendices, and the Silmarillion and the thing that strikes me most about the books as a whole is the sheer expanse of time. They are some of the only books I've read that approximate history. Think of Aragorn. We meet him as some "Ranger from the North" and follow him through his acceptance of his lineage. We see him fight and love. We grow attached to him and are triumphant as he is crowned. We meet his son in a vision from Arwen. And everyone is supposed to live happily ever after. But they don't. I hate to break it to you, children, but Aragorn dies. The books mention that after a long Numenorian reign of peace, the king grows old and dies. After all that fighting and struggle and victory, life and death continue their cycle. That seems sad at first, but it tends to give me comfort that even in the worst times, I know that life goes on.

I was at a funeral this weekend of a woman who was called home to God unexpectedly. It was sad to see a husband lose his mate (I pray that I never have to go through that). I guess the only comfort I would be able to have during that time would be to look and see that life goes on. Sadness has come to everyone alive prior to this instant and yet here the world is...

Welcome

2005-08-24T14:34:00.000-07:00

Well, I guess I'm the last one on the earth to have a blog. So, I guess now...it's officially old. For a total computer geek, I sure do wait forever to "get with the times."

I guess I just never really thought that anyone would be that interested in what I thought. Actually, I think it was more that no one would really ever care about what I had for breakfast or how sad I think it is that Brad and Jennifer broke up. And you know what...I betcha no one does! So therefore, I promise that I won't write in this blog unless there is something mildly interesting that I want to talk about. Who cheeses me off, my views on current events, weird things I heard or saw today (like the guy who sprinted into the bathroom today, bolted into a stall, locked it, farted (not sitting down mind you. Pants are still on.), then calmly unlocked and left the stall. But the best and most considerate part is...he washed his hands afterwards...).

Anyway, hope you like it. If you don't....screw you. It's my blog. Get your own!